Sydney Funnel-Web

The Sydney Funnel-web is found around Sydney, Australia, which makes it the 4,627,346th most obnoxious bastard in the general area. The Sydney Funnel Web is one of the few spiders that could be realistically considered dangerous, but as the Brazilian Wandering Spider has venom that can break your dick, the Funnel Web comes in a close second.

It’s always the males that cause problems, and they’re occasionally found in suburban gardens, meandering around looking for females. Basically think of four obnoxious, drunken douchebags at the end of a night on the piss and you’re well on the way to understanding the psychology of the Sydney Funnel Web.

Funnel Webs are old-school spiders. It’s a “mygalomorph”, meaning it’s a bit less evolved than your fancy pants modern spiders. Its huge fangs point straight down, which is why it has rear up terrifyingly in order to strike down, with long fangs can pierce a shoe.

Funnel Webs often wander into backyard swimming pools and can’t get out. The poor human finds dead spider in their pool and fishes it out. Except it’s not dead, they can survice underwater for up to 24 hours, then bite you because they’re assholes. Of course, you might have just gotten in to swim, not seeing the thing lurking on the bottom there...

The male Funnel Web is highly aggressive. When they bite, they inject as much venom as they can. It’s part of their “old-school” nature that they don’t get to choose whether to fake it or not. When they bite, they’re known to grab on, holding their victim and biting repeatedly.

On the plus side, there’s an antivenom for these assholes, and no one’s died from being bitten by one in a long time. They wanted to. But they didn’t.

Atrax robustus