Saltwater Crocodile

One of the few advantages Australia has over other countries is that where there’s no shortage of things that want to kill you, almost none of them will actually eat you. This is about the only exception.

Saltwater Crocodiles have been confirmed and recorded measuring 7 metres (23 feet) and weighing more than two metric tons (4,400lb). Reports of ones measuring 10m have not been confirmed.

Saltwater crocodiles are the bitingest animals in the world. The bite of a large crocodile can crush the skull of cow. People often say they have “razor sharp teeth”. This is obviously bullshit. Crocodile teeth aren’t even particularly sharp. Puppies have sharp teeth. Crocodile teeth are crap. You don’t really need particularly sharp teeth when you can crush the skull of a cow. Basically as long as you can get a grip it’s pretty much over bar the agonising death.

Saltwater crocodiles are ambush predators. They hang around with just their eyes and nose poking out of the water, and they’re clearly just a log. No harm here. Of course, as soon as something comes near enough they leap out, grab it, pull it down, and drown it. They can swim three times faster than an Olympic swimmer, doping or not, and are more or less invisible in the water.

They don’t just kill, either, they make it fun. Saltwater crocodiles are well known for something called the “death roll”. Basically they get a good grip on something and twist their body over and over, drowning whatever is in their mouths. If it’s still moving, just do it again. It’s also a multi-purpose skill. Since they have shitty teeth, crocodiles can’t bite things well. If they want a bite of something they grab a limb and then death roll with it until it comes off. Usually they just leave their victim wedged under a log or something so they get nice and… soft.

The most savage attack ever from Crocodiles occured during WWII on an island near Fiji. British soldiers surrounded Japanese troops in a mangrove swamp infested with salties. Overnight, hundreds of Japanese soldiers were taken by the crocodiles.

Salties kill one or two people a year in Australia. Usually people doing reckless things, like getting a drink of water, or enjoying a lovely camp. Like with most of Australia’s horrible things, the further north you go, the more of them are likely to be around.

Estuarine Crocodile, Indo-Pacific crocodile
Crocodylus porosus